I'm not a snob, I'm just optimistic

My mother has told me not to be a young feminist snob.

She wants me to not get caught off guard in an innocent belief that sexism is over because there are guys who agree with feminist principles. She means that I shouldn't assume that later in life I won't end up in situations based in sexism and gender roles-- that I'm young and that I don't appreciate the complexity and subtlety and pressures of future situations, and that my big ideas won't necessarily save me.

There's some truth to this.

Yesterday I was in training for a long-distance counseling program to help low-income students apply to college. We had to do skits on various themes; ours was over-dependence. The scenario that immediately came to my mind was a girl mentee calling her case manager to talk about issues with her boyfriend. Our group thought of reasons boyfriend and mentee could be fighting-- I came up with Valentine's Day, thinking of a person I know. The one boy in the group suggested he could be like, "But we agreed we wouldn't do anything for Valentine's Day!" based on his own experiences.

A few minutes later I found myself cast into the role of a girl who was angry at her boyfriend for not getting her anything for Valentine's Day even though they had agreed not to celebrate it. I had my case manager on speed dial and said in a bitchy tone of voice, "I never said that! I can't believe you think I said that! I can't even talk to you right now!" And called my mentor.

And this was intensely uncomfortable. I wasn't sure how I ended up playing this person, but it wasn't me. It's not that it's unrealistic- the reason the scenario came to mind is that we all knew people to whom this had happened. But under time pressure to create an over-exaggerated scenario, we re-created the gender roles and destructive patterns we'd seen around us. I think to the other two kids, nothing seemed out of place. Despite my big ideas, despite the perspectives on this sort of behavior that being in non-heterosexual relationships has given me, it is so challenging to break out of the internalized, modeled cycle.

There are a million good ways to communicate in relationships; I don't presume to judge what works and is positive for other couples-- I don't necessarily think the Valentine's Day scenario signifies poor self-esteem or a doomed couple. I just know it's not what I look for in relationships anymore, but it was still what jumped to my mind, even as a woman, to be portrayed in the small-scale skit media.

To end on a positive note, the reason that I know I want something different in my relationships is because I've seen and experienced relationships between strong people who worked hard to create new dynamics. None of them have been perfect, but I've seen some really beautiful habits for anti-oppressive communication and decision-making, especially among younger couples. It's inspiring! I don't think I'm a young feminist snob, I'm just optimistic.